These past few weeks have felt like they exist outside of time. With no connection or correlation to the life that I live and call my own. In fact, this entire year has been a reflection of such a feeling. I never thought I would be where I am, and call it good. Carmel, as best I can describe it, is as close as I have come to wanting what I have. I have poured many hours into many things, and people, causing a personal record of tipping the emotional scale of what I feel in any given period. These emotions -both good, and bad are what have dictated how I act, and respond to those around me. Although not always wise, I know no other way.
In the wee hours of this morning, I feel it is now the time I have to sit and wade through the events, thoughts and emotions to put myself into a state of peace and clarity. Most of what follows will not connect or line up, quite simple they are the honest reverberations of my very being. My soul, heart and mind being splattered on the table in the hopes of breaking the surface of the ocean I now swim. Nothing eloquent will follow, as all the layers are now peeled and all that is left is a vulnerable mass of nerves trying to just make sense. In many ways I really encourage those who feel the need to read my blog, to skim or even skip this post altogether as it holds nothing if impressive stature or wit.
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i) I am such a foolish girl. One who cannot be honest with herself, or dare utter the words that lie beneath the bolted door. Although I desperately want to check this aspect of my life into the nearest dumpster, I linger and hold on and not letting go. A child not yet ripe who needs to set it all down. This realization poses as a glimmer of hope that may one day point me in the right direction. A direction I am afraid of. I have so much to lose.. or so it seems.
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ii) I live in the grey, a color I often find myself drawn to, and even enjoy. This problem however leaves me queasy as I see the line spans a great distance. I cannot decide on my own the place in which I stand, and where I should stand. Questions and discussion of money has haunted the halls in which I visit daily. How much is too much? Is a private jet ok? What about a nice car? 20 pairs of shoes even? I believe material goods are not in themselves bad, yet can I (and this is a purely a question directed at myself and no one else, as I see it as personal) justify living in a huge house one day? If I was giving my 10% could I have the American Dream, would I feel ok? 10%… is that all I owe? is that the perfect amount?… or is it simply the Christian cop-out? The thought I can’t seem to sake is “Yes, If I gave but still had excess I could buy that car, I could buy that cool toy… but so much more could be done. My extra dollars, my car, my shoes, they could save people, they could affect things…” I just can’t seems to let that go. Maybe material things are not bad… but are the wise?
I know as I type this I stand removed from the situation. Not a cent I have is my own, and I am living in a false reality. I am not in a situation where excess is an issue nor, do I feel entitled to what I have, for I did not earn a cent. This could very well change one day… but the thought of living a simple life… taking a vow of poverty as some would say, seems terrifying yes. but, also very appealing. All that good that could come as a result… all the good.
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iii) Life is not logical. Most days are spent contained within a hamster wheel, one that lies underneath a canopy of false belief I am really getting somewhere. The destination I have my eyes set on is utterly unattainable, as I am not moving forward, simply turning in circles. Where does that leave me? At what point do I give my exasperation and burnt-out self over to rest? Furthermore, at what point do I convince myself to run faster?
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iv) I say I want God. I say I need him, he is where I have chosen to seek purpose. -The idea of leaving the safety of believing we have no purpose is not one I want to venture on. Thus, I am left to pursue God… on occasion I hear from him (or at least I think I do) and I feel “lead” to do something.
Well, that happened and all I can say is shit. When I seek, I tend to forget I like my comfortable lifestyle. I don’t want to do such as I am asked to. I can be really stupid sometimes.
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In conclusion, The words of my dear friend Celine hold true. Amidst all of my exhaustion, I find my pretenses flake to the floor, and all that is left before God is my unripe heart. Just me, and my silenced thoughts and tears. Although I feel so utterly broken, and ashamed of what is left, I smile. Why? Because some how I sense that God is smiling at me and whispering the simple truth That’s more like it. I have been waiting to meet you Elizabeth Elrona Clarke.
My voice comes out in a gentle whisper, Abba.